Spider Sells Out!
by Lillith The Nocturnal
Summary: In which the Outlaw Journalist that all of us know and fewer of us love addresses rumors that he has sold out. Written as Spider (Want to know his style? Read my other story "The Beast Got Into Power" to see an example). Global Frequency story with a Spider from the modern age, rather than the Lost Future of Transmet.


Spider Jerusalem Sells Out!

Some of you slutmonkeys may be aware that My Name has been linked to the only NGO that actually Gets Shit Done. You may think that I have betrayed my principles and Sold Out like some sort of hack journalist.

To the former claim, I will say this. Yes, it is true, I do work for Global Frequency. As the Governments In Power seem to be too busy jacking themselves off with their flags and laws to actually clean up their own fucking messes, SOMEONE has to do it for them and send them the fucking bill. That SOMEONE is Global Frequency. For the five or so of you too retarded to ask what GF is, perhaps I should explain to you. Also, GF are paying me by the word, plus expenses. Their mistake.

Global Frequency is a wiki, but with guns. Let's say some Australian Internet Service Provider decides that they would do better as a doomsday cult and plan on blowing up one of their shitty skyscrapers. The Australian Government, if left to resolve the issue, would uhm and ahh over the fucking thing, as they are incompetent jizz-rags. Global Frequency, on the other hand, would activate their nearest trouble-shooters (They find trouble and shoot it, with guns) to resolve the issue. How they find out about these problems before the GiP does is beyond my paygrade, as Mistress Zero so curtly tells me. Perhaps they have some sort of AI, built by a reclusive multi-billionare who also funds GF, searching the whole fucking internet for possible problems. Maybe they have a team who do the same thing, but with piss-and-beer breaks. Maybe Mistress Zero is a time traveller who knows what is going to happen and sends out trouble-shooters to change things. To paraphrase the person who authorised this journalist to write this "It may not be the truth, but it's all you're going to get."

Heres another free fact for you. GF isn't made up of just trouble-shooters. It is made up of experts in almost any-fucking-thing. Freerunning? There's someone on the frequency who can do that! Memetics? Again, there's someone on the frequency! If a trouble-shooter needs expert information about something obscure, chances are that they can call on the Frequency and get an answer that works. If there isn't someone, chances are that Mistress Zero will approach someone with the requisite knowledge with that distinctive smart-phone

As to the claim that I have Sold Out, I invite you to look at one of my first articles I wrote after I came down from The Mountain like some sort of savior that you are not worthy of. Not the very first one about the Transgender Riots, the one where I found out about the people stealing my rubbish and attempting to fuck in my shadow to increase the chances of conception. Look at the second-last paragraph, first and second lines. To quote me "People! This is America! I expect MONEY for my castoffs!" I get paid to interfere in shit and write about it! You can't accuse me of selling out now, because I've always sold out!

So what does that mean, this "job" with Global Frequency? I can't tell you most of it. The NDA that I signed to get this means that I can't tell you most of what I do. What I can tell you scum is that I deal with all the requests for interviews that Madame Zero gets. Why she chose me is so simple, even the most inbred hick could work it out. The majority of the media hates me. They hated me so much that they got me fired from my job under the best editor I have had the displeasure of working under and forced me to become an outlaw journalist. Forced me to work on a shitty independent news site in order to keep spewing the truth upon you slutmonkey scum. This works for me, as most of the news sites are shitholes that only care about fellating (or licking the clits of) the stockholders and making sure not to offend anyone who can shut them down. Madame Zero does not do interviews or has stockholders. She does have persons who donate to the cause or give money to shut her up regarding dirty secrets. Occasionally, someone will want to do a "hard hitting expose" on Glorious Leader Zero and Global Frequency. Elevated Leader Zero values her secrecy and does not do interviews, due to how exposed that makes her. This is a woman who has been tortured by experts and, from what I have gathered, does not want to repeat the experience. Part of my job is to pretty much tell anyone who wants a fucking interview with Zero to go fuck themselves with a morningstar. Yes, those words exactly. Fuhrer Zero is amused at my vocabulary and actually ordered me to use it to its fullest extent. So no, you crusted thongs of journalism, Miranda Zero will not do interviews with you. Neither will I, as I am STILL an outlaw journalist despite the fucknugget who USED to be president (that Yours Truly took down with nothing but a recorder hidden up Nature's Pocket and a few choice words) getting shitcanned. I tell you, if I have to evade one more police car, I'm going back up the Mountain and leaving you shitstains to rot amongst your filth and bodily secretions.

_Spider Jerusalem is still an outlaw journalist still writing for The Hole. When he isn't, he can usually be found furiously masturbating off the top of skyscrapers and shooting his computer with what he claims to be a bowel disruptor. If you have questions for Spider, you can go fuck yourselves with a retractable baton._


End file.
